Ahhh, as it would appear, the Great Fangdango has missed a Fangdango Friday! Alas, it was not to be for I, the Great Fangdango, was otherwise occupied with malicious and michevious plans which caused me to not have much in the way of closeness to the formidable internet. In other words, my subjects, it was not to be...
Where was I? What was I, the Great Doctor Fangdango doing? I hear you asking and I will begin to try and explain...
You see, a man such as myself must transport himself around in style. Occasionally, the distance I need to travel is not so great as to hijack a plane but not so close that I can have Fang One drive me in the Fangmobile. It requires a middle form of transportation. To this end, I have been studying in my exotic and extensive technical lab trying to come up with the perfect device which would allow me to move as needed. But in my work I have come to an impasse which concerns certain stylistic differences that only someone with a truly genius, sexy, and evil criminal mind could ever be stopped by. It involves a choice and so I put it to you, my subjects, to offer up what will undoubtably be incredibly limited viewpoints and opinions. From this chaff I might find a small kernal of wheat from which to grow my harvest of transportation!!! Bwahahahahahh!
The choice is a difficult one and involves the blending of the two most stylistic traits, evil and sexy. I have weaned out the most obvious negatives and am left with two positives. So, to be continuing, keep these traits in mind and help me decide which is better for transportation with the two I have left. Teleportation or Flight? Understant that I, the Great Fangdango, have no limit to my vast mental and monetary resources and have, in true genius fashion, have already built prototypes of the said devices which would handle such transportation! HA-Hah! However, I feel it is very important to have only one type for which to be known.
To help those of you that are inferior to the thought process I have undergone, I shall take small steps to illustrate my thought process of eliminating the other modes and therefore helping you to further understand my greatness! As you can see, I am a truly benevolant and educational dictator!
First off, the super leap. How incredibly unsexy!! The evil part of this is not bad as you may descend from a great height and land on your opponents. Ah-hah, what a surprise when they feel your high priced Cadinis dropping onto their shoulders and head! But, again, this may be Evil but does nothing for the aspect of the Sexy! No. This is good for idiots like the Blue Leaper or that Narnia and Loony Tunes reject Goblin Joe but not for one of such high caliber as myself. NEXT!
The next on this list was super speed. Super speed is much like the super leap. It has many evil qualities and possibilities but the price of the Unsexy is much too much! There is also a problem with metabolism and impact upon the human body which I do not believe is very sexy. When you are done doing your run-about-thing, then you are incredibly hungry and eat five cheeseburgers. That is not sexy! And if you ever stop your daily routine of running around like a bolt of light those calories go right to your waistline! Again, much unsexy follows... NEXT!
The flying board/sled thing. Bah! It is not sexy to be crouched over a weird little board thing. No. What am I going to do next? Throw little pumpkin bombs? How incredib--- oh, well, that last one may not be a bad idea. But, NO, the Fangdango does not surf!!! NEXT!!!
An Invisible plane. No. NEXT!
Being carried on a flying palenquin covered in silken pillows and carried by a host of flying sexy gypsy women! I have to say, THIS one was at the top of my list but it suffered many problems. A: The flying gypsy women were getting hard to locate and B: Silk is quite expensive... NEXT!!
So, the two that are left are as I, the Fangdango, have stated. Flying and Teleportation. Both devices are already made and are of a sleek, futuristic, evil, and sexy design. I would make nothing else! And so, I am torn. Flying is, indeed, quite sexy is it not? I can only imagine how truly stunning I, the Great Fangdango, would appear floating in for a landing and my purple coat and cape billowing out behind me as if I, a modern god, had come directly from the cinematic screen to land directly in front of you! Ah-Hah! Very good... I like this...
And then, the teleportation. In a way, one of the great evil and sexy villains of the past, Dracula used this to great advantage except he sort of did it as a mist-thing. Imagine you are alone in your bedoir, the curtains are blowing all about like in a dream, and I, the Great Dr. Fangdango, suddenly materialize near you. You would be automatically overcome with the aura of the evil and sexy. My surprise teleportation would lower all your defenses and you would come to know the greatness that is the Fangdango. Not bad... not bad...
And the whole teleportation would make stealing things much easier too!
Can you see why the Fangdango is ripped asunder in his decision making process? What should I do? Fly? Teleport? Gah, it is maddening!
As to my reason for not doing much with the posting last Fangdango Friday. You see, I was testing out my devices on a nearby overlook and this process took many days and many Fangs to get right. I am afraid I lost one Fang to a teleport accident involving a pine tree, another to a small mechanical problem with the flying device, and a third to a pesky mutated grizzly bear which I thought had been taken care of after it escaped a few weeks ago. But, in the long run, it was no matter as they were fairly incompetent in their service to me.
Oh! I have had an idea of paramountal proportions!!! A flying, teleporting, and mutated grizzly bear!!!
Do you see why they call me a genius?
Actually, it began last week with a statement of actual beginnings but, like a henchman tied to a flaming tank, it did not really go anywhere. Instead, I received some interesting replies and found an old friend who must have stumbled upon my journal. Very nice. However, I am concerned that if someone such as Face could find my journal, I wonder whom else may stumble upon these great writings? It does concern me a bit but in the long run, it is nothing for I have so many alternate connections, server swaps, and alternate identities there is no possible way that anyone might be able to find me or my secret headquarters! Not even that wets-her-pants starship chimpanzee, Dale Deering! Ha! So, comment away Ms. Deering! Although you may not be able to find me, I will be able to track you! Bwahahahahahhahahaha!
I speak now of the one thing that many of the comments have addressed. Well, one of the comments have addressed it. But, I hear it often in conversations when I am attending gatherings and parties. They come up to me and say, "Oh, Great Doctor Fangdango, tell us more of the Tao of the Evil and the Sexy? How can I too follow the Way?"
So, on this most prestigious Friday of Fridays, I, the Great Fangdango, will speak to you of this and show you the initial steps toward great greatness concerning the Way. This will take much time and many many weeks for you to begin to understand just the very tip of the really big iceberg of the Evil and Sexy. But know that I will not reveal all things as you must find them on your own. Also know that there is no way you can ever achieve the greatness that I, The Great Fangdango, has achieved on this path. I have, as we like to say in villain circles, a head start on you! Ha-Hah! Besides, you would not want such a thing for were you to somehow attain such a level it would only be my destiny to hunt you down and dispose of you as a rival. This is something not to be wished for so why should you wish for such a thing? No. You would do well to maintain a lowly level in concerns to the Evil and the Sexy. Do not attempt to match me for it is possible your small mind may not be able to grasp the inherent universal energies that would pour into you.
Do not toy with the Evil and the Sexy!
However, it pleases me that my future servants should be so interested, in a small part, in the Way of the Sexy and Evil. It will make world domination so much easier and I will spend less money on printing pamphlets this way! Do you know how expensive pamphlets are to print? I thought I was a villainous criminal!!! I once thought that I would print up many such pamphlets to announce my future rule and drop them on all major metropolitan areas from my aerial pirate planes. To think, I thought installing lasers on trained alligators was expensive! That expense is nothing compared to the local Kinko's pricelist! Of course, the acne-covered high school track boy who handed me the price list was not ready to handle my questions or my vast and expansive order! To think, I do not believe he was taking me seriously! Adolescents are so.... adolescent. You should have seen the look on his face when Fang One whipped out the XT-500 on him!
Yes, he cowered nicely.
Hmmm, where was I?
Oh, yes. The balance of the Evil and the Sexy! I will attempt to explain such a vast concept to you, my minions, in a simple way that you might understand. Let me give you an example of something I, the Great Fangdango, have watched over for some time, something that at its foundations, carries the full strength and succulence of the true balance of the Evil and the Sexy. IF you wish to follow the balance, the Way, then I suggest you study this thing I am about to show you, to tell you. For my first bit of advice I point you in the following direction...
Girl Scout Cookies.
Especially the thin mints...
I hope you are not laughing at the Great Fangdango. For in your laughter, you show your ignorance of the Tao of the Sexy and Evil!!!
Think of the thin mint. It is delicious is it not? Tasty? A crunchy annual delicacy is it not? Do you not crave them? Even as I speak of them does not a small part of you yearn for a Thin Mint? Or perhaps some Do-Si-Dos?
Cookies that they have withheld from you for a whole year!!!
Do I have you attention NOW? Perhaps now you see the wisdom of the Great Fangdango, yes? Do you see where I am going with this? If not, then you are an idiot and you should be pleased to know that I have already accounted for that in my plan for world domination. Fear not, you will have a very simple job that will make you very happy. How do you feel about grocery carts?
Regardless! Here is something, a girl scout cookie, that is soooo delicious. It is tasty. It is chocolatey, peanut-buttery sinfulness and you have thoughts of buying ten boxes, spreading them on the bed and rolling in them! The culture yearns for them. And the cookie is to be enjoyed, savored. This aspect of the cookie is the Sexy. Do you understand that? And with that, sneaky, hidden like a ninja in a photographer's darkroom, is the Evil. Ahh, I hear you saying, "What Evil? Its a Girl Scout cookie!" Bah!! This is the sound of unintelligent monkeys! What Evil? HAH!! This is my point exactly!!! That is what they WANT you to think!!! The Evil is subtle, it is hidden. Hidden behind the Sexy! And not only that, the Sexy secretly drives the Evil and the Evil supports the Sexy! Do you see!!! Do you understand!?!?!? They withold the goodness of the Sexy from you for year so when they do actually arrive again like a flock of sparrows, you will be waiting for them, drooling and holding your cash outstretched in your hand. And why, oh why, do you think they do that? What do you think they do with that money? I bet you a hundred boxes of Tagalongs that they are using the funds to work on their underground training base in the Appalachians! Or buy a few more cases of secretly funded gauss rifles for their stealth troops! I tell you, the whole thing is a work of wonderous beauty.
Think on that the next time you see a fold-up table covered in green Thin Mint boxes which is brokered by little girls!
Study upon this and may it illuminate you in your first few steps of the Way of the Evil and the Sexy.
Since I am dealing with fragile minds, that is enough for now. I encourage you to place the questions you are having in the comments. I will read them and try not to laugh.
Well, it has been much time since I have been here. I apologize for my lack of updates. My work has been most stressful with moving and setting up the new secret base. Finally, life has returned to a more mundane routine of sleep, plot, eat, plot, wash, rinse, and repeat. I tell you, that little excursion to the Time Travel convention was simply not worth the hassle of what we had to deal with later! Finding a new base, killing old Fangs, hiring new Fangs, shopping for new dresses for Sexy, setting up the new Kill Room for Evil, and much more then that has gone into my work here. But, we are finished and I think that, hopefully, this base will eventually be home for some time! The Bonsai watermelon is still safe and secure. I thought about ransoming it off but, I do not know, I sort of like it sitting as it does like a trophy in my main office. It is very nice.
However, today is a very special day. It is the beginning of a project where I, your future ruler, reach out to my subjects. Today is the first day of Fangdango Fridays! Many have asked me to go into my most sexy knowledge of the Tao of the Evil and Sexy. Others have asked for my thoughts on world domination and some have asked for my famous banana waffles recipe. I understand that when one carries such intelligence and wisdom such as I there is a responsibility to share such things with the world. So, I, the great Dr. Fangdango, will do such a thing for you, my future subjects! But, do not ask too much! I cannot reveal all to you for such wisdom and paradigms may be too much. Quite simply, the wisdom may cut through your soft brain like a hot knife through butter! It is a heavy burden I carry but I will share what I can for I wish to showing you that I, the great Dr. Fangdango, am a merciful ruler of all humanity.
Now, let us begin...
What is it you would like to know?
While spending some time doing what is called "surfing the internet", I came across this most unusual quiz. I am greatly offended by its findings and with my great philoshopical and scientific mind will be the first to cry out, "Fraud!"
Obviously, the creator of this quiz is nothing more then a small girl with web building skills and a love of My Princess Pony or some such thing!
I only place it here to show just how incompetant the builder of the quiz must be!! I should have been a dragon! Or a Wolf!
Dragons and wolves are VERY sexy!!!
Though they did get the part about the watermelon right...( An inferior quiz result!Collapse )
Well, I am thinking that could have gone a little bit better then it did. But, I also am thinking that it could have gone much worse too! It is not every day that you get to capture the heart of a beautiful gypsy villain woman, release poison gas into your headquarters, capture an exotic space woman, see robots build by a future version of yourself, fall unconscious for no apparent reason, get to see old college friends, and steal a valuable watermelon. Ah, the watermelon. We will have to make sure Evil understands that it is not a pumpkin. I feel that if Evil would make this mistake, it would go poorly.
All in all, Sexy was very much missed. I cannot help but wonder if, by not having Sexy, my Tao of Evil and Sexy were off their mark. This very concept is what not many can understand, are not enlightened enough like The Fangdango. The evil and the sexy must be balanced in order for success in your endeavors! By, not having Sexy there, we were weakened in our attempt to steal the appropriate time machine. Ah, it makes me so angry. I think I will go torture that idiot Fang a few more times for breaking her foot.
So, fallout could be a bit troublesome from this one. That damn space woman got away and now knows the location of my secret headquarters. Ah, wait, I cannot call it secret because someone knows where it is! Again, I am vexed with henchmen that allow a puny space girl to escape her very tight and very uncomfortable restraints. This is the type of thing that happens when your Tao of evil and sexy are not working in harmony. Anyway, we might have to move again. I believe that this time, unlike that time in Florida, I will set the base up as a large booby-trap. Perhaps leave a small contigent of Fangs behind to make it look good and inviting to those damn doo-gooders who will be charging up the pathways to my base like crazy villagers in some bad black and white Frankenstein movie. Bah! Such trouble... I think we might head south and east a bit.
This is because no one expects a super-villain and genius of extraordinary power to live in rural Illinois!
Anyway, I have the watermelon and so, with that, I call the day a success!
Ah-hah, suck on that one Banzai Institute!
Ah, tomorrow is a very very big day!
Tomorrow, I and my henchpeople shall venture to Convention of Time Travellers! I received this tip from a source that I shall keep secret. However, at this convention I shall plan to do two great things. First, I shall display my most amazing work in the temporal displacement sciences! Secondly, if I see something better, I and my Fangs shall steal it!!!
Yes!! You heard me right!!! HAHAHAHAHA! These nicom-ninnie-poops think they are so clever to be having such a big convention. They do not realize that it shall be nothing but a shopping spree for my most righteous evil and sexy self!
But this is not my most daring plan! You see, I plan to use my time machine to gather unto me the most sexy and evil through time itself!!! Can you imagine the power that I, The Fangdango, Doctor Fangdango, might have with Cleopatra at my side? Genghis Khan? Vlad Tepsich, Tepoosh, Tadpole, whatever his name is... that guy with the stakes. Yes, them! I would be able to assemble a legion of Evil and Sexy and I, their King, would rule over all of them!
There is one thing that makes me in the sad, though. My darling Sexy may not be able to travel with us. A few weeks ago, she had an amazing idea involving the Fangs, my henchpeople. "Oh, Doctor, I love the Fangs," she said to me, "but even though are the most in the Evil, they are not much in the Sexy unless they can dance." I resisted at first but then, I saw them moving about on drills and I realized that she was right. Sexy must be graceful and these idiots were as stiff as a groundhog caught in a mousetrap!
Hmmm, I do not really know what that means...
ANYWAY, my Sexy, she wanted to have dance lessons for the Fangs and I agreed. All the Fangs must to be attending the dance rehearsal. Unfortunately, one of the Fangs that she was trying to teach to dance tripped her and she broke her foot, or her ankle, or, well, SOMETHING and now my sexy CANNOT DANCE!!! I was so infuriated. So angry!!! How can we as a team hope to take over the world if one of our members cannot do what it is that she needs to be doing!!
So, to teach the buffon a lesson, I hung him from the chandelier in the main ballroom!!
And, I will have you know, he is still there when it is time for the rest of the dance lessons!!! As a reminder not to be doing buffoonery with my SEXY! Only I, Doctor Fangdango may be doing buffoonery with my Sexy! Yes, he can hang there till his legs fall off for all I care...
So, she may not be able to go. I even installed a small micro-rocket launcher in her crutches but still, she does not want to take part in the machinations of world conquest if she cannot dance. But, Baron Morbido and Evil are all set to go.
I finish packing in the morning.
Ha-Ha!! Prepare for you to be waking up on Monday morning, in a new time stream, fresh and ready to do your morning salutations towards the directions of me, Doctor Fangdango!!!
Fri, Jul. 15th, 2005, 05:30 pm
Ah, there is so much to catch up on!!! So much, indeed! I can feel that I am arriving at a crucial point in my quest for world conquest!!! In my months of solitude and meditation upon the Sexy, I believe I may have stumbled upon an idea of GENIUS!!
I am busy plotting!
Fri, May. 27th, 2005, 04:42 pm
Ahhh, Spring! It is such a nice time of year. Much like Autumn it can be a time of great sexy. You have the summer dresses, well, the summer dresses that are being worn in the Spring. Does that not make the Spring dresses? Hmmmm... So, you have the Spring Dresses and they can be very sexy. Of course, on the wrong person they can be quite the evil, no? A Spring dress on myself would, indeed, be an evil thing. Ah-Ha! Perhaps I should plan my plans for World Domination while wearing a dress? No. No. I do not like that idea. I do not think I could find one in my size...
Hmmmmmmm, where was I?
Oh, yes, Spring. Spring is a difficult time for thinking about World Domination, you know that? It is very easy to get distracted. I imagine that if there were a poll taken among elitist criminal masterminds, which is what I think of myself as, you would find that such plans are much more evident in the Winter months instead of Spring or Summer! It is so hard to plan such things when distracted by flowers, fishing, model planes, and cappuchinos under a warm summer night sky. No, no, world domination needs to be planned in the dark wintry nights with the wind howling at the windows and raising the flames of the very sexy fire in your stone fireplace! Yes! Perhaps I should get the henchmen to build me such a room? It would be very inspirational! It could be easily constructed. Venting from the air conditioning could be piped down to the room, large fans could represent the howling winds, and I could recreate the perfect season for plans of bloody world domination!!!
What a wonderous idea! I will begin blueprints immediately!!! Ha! How exciting! I will no longer worrying that I am not getting in enough planning during those sunny Spring and Summer months! Ha! I will be able to relax on the beach again.
Excellent. I am pleased. This journal thing is very productive. I should do it more often! But, I get so distracted... its so.... pretty outside!
I begin with my plans at once!
Yes, it is true. I have returned to inspire you with my musings of Sexy, Evil, Death, and World Domination!!! Did you not hear me? I said, World DOMINATION!!! I do not understand the minds of simpleton henchmen sometimes. When your leader gives an rousing speech that drives to their twisted hearts are not the henchmen supposed to throw their arms in the air and roar? Perhaps fire a few rounds into the sky? Hmmmm? I do not understand this. I think mine do not because they are, well, they are not so many right now. Actually, I only have three. One of which would not roar much at all. Sexy, she does not roar... she dances!!!
Ah, I should probably introduce them to you. You, the first time reader of my wonderous writings! Let me introduce myself, I am Dr. Fangdango!!! I am the leader of this seductive and EVIL band of future world rulers. My henchmen? Ah, my henchmen. Sexy. She does the dancing. Evil, the one with the baseball bat with the nails in it, he does the killing! And then there is Baron Morbido. I have not seen Baron Morbido in some time but that is the way of it, eh? He is the one with the knives. Always with the knives, Baron Morbido. He is very good with pumpkins!
Ah, which reminds me. About a year ago, before those ignorant pea-brained morons raided my mountain base and put me on the run for a year, I had a journal elsewhere. You may, if you wish to read of past sexy, find it here... thefangdango
Alas, in my trials following the raid, I forgot the password. Now that a new hideout and headquarters has been constructed with funds from my multimillion dollar--- Oh. That would be telling... Anyway. Now that the HQ has been established I may once more enter my thoughts into this electronic journal.
And plot my takeover of the WORLD!!!!!
That is enough for now. I will leave you to wait...
Post Edit --
And you!! Captain Marvelo and your little crew of adolescent prepubescent hero-mongers, if you have the audacity to do that sort of thing again I will make it so you will never ever ever touch your monkey again!!! Do you understand me you little half-baked cretin of a lemur??? I will sick Evil on you... AGAIN. And this time, you will not get so lucky with your whizzy flashy and VERY UNSEXY beams of whatever they are!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!!! You do know that the 70's hero look went out right after Electric Cowboy, right? If you EVER disturb me at my base again I'll show you the true power of the Sexy and the Evil combined which will, of course, be along the lines of wearing your own rocket boots while I do your girlfriend, Miss Blankstare, or whatever god-aweful name she is calling herself these days. Stay away from my base!!! Understand!?!?!?!?